I Should be Sitting on a Beach.

I have never successfully blogged. I have no idea where this is going to go...I needed an outlet that wasn't tied to work. If you are reading this, either Google has failed you, or you are in my inner sanctum of homies, friends, loved ones, instigators, tattooers, restaurants, and drag queens. 

I have been looking forward to turning 40 for a few years. Unlike some people, I saw turning 40 like a badge of honor. A fuck you to life. Those of you who met me at age 18 or older only saw the nice Derek, those of you who knew from 93-98 knew what an utter hellion and pain in the ass I was. There were several times when I was young I narrowly cheated death based on situations I consistently put myself into. 

When my husband turned 40 we went to Maui and it was a magical time. We love nature and spending time outdoors and the island pace was a match for us. I didn't want the same experience, but I definitely wanted to go back to Maui for my 40th. I talked with a couple of my friends and we decided to spend 2-weeks on the island exploring nature, the occasional nude beach, rainbow forests, and all of the food and booze. 

<insert COVID>  👉👌 all of the plans.

It had been a few months into the lockdown and I started to have pain and symptoms that things weren't normal at the end of June. Based on my history I knew something wasn't good under the hood. I am proudly a 3x Cancer survivor so as with any feeling in my body that isn't normal I immediately go into a panic and PTSD punches me in the face and I freeze in pure terror. I got scared enough to go to the UrgentCare visit which resulted in an ER visit and after a few hours in an ER bed...it was almost confirmed that I had cancer again based on a CT scan. After a follow up with my Urologist and a scope to get a sample from the right kidney. 

The good news was that my previous cancer did not return, but the bad news was it was a rare cancer, specifically for someone at my age. Two weeks ago it was confirmed that I have transitional cell cancer, specifically Ureteral Cancer. In two weeks I am going to undergo what is called a Nephrectomy, which is a fancy way of saying they are going to remove my right kidney. To be honest, it's risky....ureter cancer if it's confined can be cured with surgery, but if it's spread there is a possibility it isn't curable. 

Instead of being naked on a beach drinking cocktails, I am facing cancer again at 40. The past few weeks have been brutal. I am going through all of the emotions but the one that keeps surfacing is rage and anger followed by intense sadness. I am pissed I have to fight again. Why me?! I did some shady shit and was garbage as a teenager but have been somewhat of an OK person since. I know it's nothing personal but after three times you would think something would give. I also feel guilty because I know I am fortunate and there are a lot of people going through a hell of a lot worse than I am right now.  I am mad that I won't be able to work for a few weeks. This may not seem like much to some people, but those who know me, know how much I love working and what I do. I love my job, my craft, and my work family. While I will miss working, I will miss just daily interactions with my team. 

Next week will be a bunch of time laying in the park on a blanket. 

I am trying to stay positive but some days are harder than others. Blogging seems to be therapeutic and it's something that I will be able to do while I am recovering from surgery. I don't know if anyone will read or care, but I'll keep blogging for me. I will apologize for the first few entries....